Being Macoy's Mommy: Month 5

Little Goose -

You have taught me so much about life. To put it bluntly...I was such a "know it all" before you became my whole world. Thank you for putting me in my place, humbling me, grounding me and making me see that there is no such thing as perfection and that it's so much funner to be imperfect. With you, life is more important and more beautiful.

Just for kicks, here's a few things I wish the current version of me could go back in time and prep the younger version of me on....

• You will get tears in your eyes, even in public, when your little one smiles at you or touches your cheek because your heart feels like it might just jump out of your chest. People around you will stare as you tear up for no seemingly good reason. And, that's ok. 
• You will be bursting with love one moment and wishing you could drop your nugget off at daycare (on a Saturday) the next moment. And, that's ok. 
• You may think you have quite impressive multitasking skills now. Well, you will realize you have sharpened those skills even further when you find yourself watching a movie, feeding your baby a bottle by holding it with your elbow as you trim your little ones nails because it's the only time he's not squirming. That, and other things like it, will become normal. And, that's ok. 
• There will be Pacifiers everywhere when you don't need them and nowhere to be found when you are desperate for one. You will buy more and loose them and buy more after that. And, that's ok. 
• Your once perfectly organized and well dusted home will be beautifully hectic and peppered with toys, blankets, burp cloths and socks. You wont have time or energy to clean it up. And, that's ok.  
• The version of yourself that once bought things without even looking at the price tag will cease to exist and the new you will get strangely excited over good coupons. And, that's ok. 
• You will look at your little ones back to see if they are moving (aka he's alive and breathing) during tummy naps. You know doctors tell you not to let tots sleep on their tummy but you do it anyway cause your the mom and you will know best. It's not the first time you will ignore what a doctor says. And, that's ok. 
• You will worry. All the time. Less as time goes on but more than you could imagine the first few months. That's just part of learning to love someone more than you love yourself. And, that's ok. 
• You'll dream and talk extensively with your spouse about a night off from being a mom and a dad but you will spend date nights talking about the baby and calling home just to be sure all is well. And, that's ok. 
• You will get too busy to look in a mirror all weekend and when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the glass on the ice cream Isle at the grocery store, you will realize that's just one of the many things you need to work on. And, that's ok. 
• You will be broke. It's pretty much unavoidable. And, that's ok. 
• You will be kicked, slapped, head butted and hair pulled by your bundle of joy. And, that's ok. 
• Everything you knew about yourself, your spouse and the world will change. And, that's ok. In fact, with a little time, you realize that the new you is far more aware of true reality than the old you ever was. 

So here's to your comical and wonderful impact on my life. I only hope to have such a profound impact on yours.

Love,

Mommy

Being Macoy's Mommy: Month 4

Macoy,

You are 4 months old now!

You are 19.5 pounds (95%), 28.8 tall (30%) and have a 17 inch head (90%)! You're wearing 6-9 month clothes and you are growing like a weed. You are surprisingly strong and can stand up for quite a while with very little help. You recognize us now and light up in a special, just for us, kind of way when we are near. You have learned to belly laugh (my absolute favorite!), blow spit bubbles and make facial expressions well beyond your years...well months. You actually enjoy tummy time now and hold your head up without any trouble. You aren't really interested in the pacifier any longer and you don't suck your thumb which makes me very happy. You are a great sleeper and only wake up once at night for a little snack and you go right to bed after you've had your fix. Of course, I'm hoping we get back to the whole sleeping through the night thing but for now, I'm going to enjoy those few minutes every night that I have you all to myself.

You fill our home with something very special that we never really understood was missing. And now that we have it, we know that life would be empty without it...without you. You amaze me every day and I feel so blessed to call you mine.

Love, Mommy.

Being Macoy's Mommy: Month 2

My baby is 2 months old!

About Macoy:

• 15 pounds 4 oz (95%)
• 23 1/4 tall (75%)
• 16 inch head circumference (90%)
  
• He is such a handsome little boy!!! Pictures seriously do not do him justice. He has the most perfect and chubby little face, arms and legs! His skin and hair is as soft as butter and his eyes are the most intense blue you could ever imagine.
• He's so aware and wide-eyed, with big smiles and cute little coos. 
• He sticks his tongue out and kicks his feet like crazy! 
• He's still sleeping in his monkey chair. We have only put him in his crib 2 or 3 times and it didn't go well so we are sticking with the monkey chair a little longer. I love it because I pull it close to our bed and I can peek over to check on him without getting out of bed at night!
• He sleeps for 6 hour stretches at night (9 hours last night) and takes 3-4 naps a day (1-3 hours each). 
• He doesn't need to be swaddled anymore to calm down or fall asleep. He hasn't been swaddled since he was a month old and we aren't looking back. 
• He loves to eat! I think he maybe eats a little more than he should at this age... 5oz to 6oz each feeding. I thinks he's eating about 40oz a day. I transitioned from breastfeeding to bottles when he was 1 month and as of last week he now takes formula.
• He lifts and turns his head during tummy time!
• He smiles...and it's not just because he's gassy anymore!
• He follows with his eyes when we walk by or shake a rattle from far left to far right. 
• He loves his baths. I give him one every other day. I might start doing it every night because it really relaxes him! 
• He can grasp his rattle and shake it all on his own. 
• He is nice and chubby with rolls for days. He wears size 2 diapers and 3 month clothing. The newborn stuff is packed away. We have a ton with tags on it that he never got to wear. 
• He does really well around new people and lots of noise. Christmas in Utah with our family was a blast. 
• In Macoy's first month, I called him "Burrito" and "turtle" every day. Now I call him "bubb-uz" and "my bug". Brian calls him "bubba" and "monkey"! 
• He hates having his picture taken. And, every time I try to capture his cuteness on video, he stops doing whatever he was doing that prompted me to record in the first place. I think he gets this from his daddy. 

About Daddy

• He's so proud that Macoy is getting older and bigger and he forces me to confront that fact daily. 
• He thinks Macoy likes me more. 
• He's exclusively in charge of a few things like taking out the diapers and tummy time (because Macoy hates it and if I were to be in charge, I would pick him up the second he got fussy.)
• He loves his little boy and is willing to do it all! He seriously couldn't be any more loving or attentive. Seeing him as a daddy melts my heart. 
• He's been working full time for the last 5 or so weeks. He only had 2.5 weeks off from work when Macoy was born. When he gets home every day, he comes in and goes straight to Macoy (usually in my arms) to give us both a kiss.  

About Mommy (Me!)

• I'm in denial that Macoy is getting older and bigger. 
• I think Macoy likes his daddy a little more. 
• It took longer for things to "click" for me than it does for most moms. The truth is that being a mommy just didn't come natural to me at first. The transition was rough for me because I really didn't expect that to be the case. It (my connection with my baby and my surrender of my old life) took some time. Although there are still aspects that I struggle with in motherhood, I'm on the other side now and I can't imagine life without Macoy in it.  
• I still look at Macoy sometimes and can't believe he's mine. I find myself drifting off and thinking about his birthday and what a miracle it is to grow and deliver a baby! 
• I have to make a conscious effort daily to not ignore/neglect my needs and the needs of my husband. It's very easy for me to get a laser focus on Macoy and forget everything else, even the basics like feeding myself or asking how my husbands day at work was! Having Macoy has completely changed my life and it's an adjustment that takes some effort to strike a healthy balance.  
• I have 18 pounds to loose to get back to pre prego weight. 
• I'm finally getting some sleep! Not a ton but far more than when he was only 1 month old. 
• My maternity leave ends this week. My first day back is this Thursday. I will be working only p/t (2-3 days a week) the month of January. Macoy will be going to daycare. I'm nervous about it but hopeful that it will work well for our little family. If it doesn't, we will go to plan B. 
• Since I was 17, I have set my eyes on and planned for the next big thing. Graduating HS, moving away, living on my own, starting a career, graduating from college, becoming a wife, owning a home, becoming a mom. Today, I am finally content. I have everything I have ever wanted and I'm not focused on what's next. I'm just enjoying the moment because these moments are what I have spent the last 10 years working toward. It may not seem like much to some people but it is everything to me. 

We are blessed. We have a beautiful home, successful careers, loving family and everything that we could ever need to care for our new addition. There is so much love between the three of us and I am SO PROUD to be Macoy's mom.  

Being Macoy's Mommy: Month 1

As you know from my last blog post, the first two weeks of Macoy's life were a struggle for me as we worked through feeding issues due to Macoy's tongue tie.

Update on the tongue tie: The cut was a little traumatizing for our little family. Not only did we hear him screaming from the other room (where he was strapped down for the cut) but he came in smelling like burnt flesh which horrified me. In addition to that, the after care included us rubbing the wound, which made Macoy cry, for 10 seconds 5 times a day for 2 weeks to ensure it healed properly and didn't reattach. Since then, breastfeeding got a bit better but did not drastically improve as it does with 99% of patients. Being the 1% isn't any fun but it sure has toughened me up a bit. As we all know, the more challenges we overcome, the stronger we are in the end. We have moved to pumping and using bottles which Macoy didn't mind a bit! It's a tad more work (washing bottles and pump parts) but it works better for us, so that's what were doing! 

There were also many wonderful moments and new experiences within those early weeks. I would literally sit in my rocking chair, staring at him for hours on end. As a new mom, it was incredible just to soak in his adorable face, picking out features that he may have got from me or his daddy and trying to imagine what he may look like as a crawling toddler or even as a teenager! It's so much fun to be there for all the little moments. The first sneeze, hiccups, smile...and the first time they actually connect eyes with you. It's pretty magical. 

I can't believe Macoy is already ONE month old. In some ways, it flew by. And at the same time, I feel like he's been my son for much longer! It may be because I loved him just as much when he was in my tummy or perhaps it's because there is no delineation between day and night any longer and thus it seems as though we've had many more than 30 or so "nights" with him. As I reflect on his first month, there are so many thoughts, emotions and memories (good and bad) that come up. I will just share a few... 

• Delivery. We checked in at about 8 to be induced but they broke my water at 10 and my contractions came on their own and were in full swing by about 11. I endured them for about 1 hour and got an epidural at noon. I was ready to push by 1:00 and he was here at 2:00. It all happened so fast! I had a fabulous OBGYN who delivered Macoy and amazing nurses in my delivery room. 
• Hospital. I was in pretty bad pain and was super sleep deprived in the hospital so it was very frustrating that hospital staff kept dropping in at the worst times to check on me and the baby. To my mom-to-be friends: Don't forget that you can ask them to come back when YOU are done crying or feeding the baby or whatever. And, don't be afraid to ask for help. The nurses are just one touch of a button away. Don't feel bad about calling for the nurse every hour (or more) if you need to. You are paying for it. Just know that it can take them 20 min to show up so plan accordingly and manage your expectations around their pace.
• Recovery. The pain after birth sucks. I wish they could have kept that epidural going for about a day or so. ;) I wont go into details here but it's not glamorous. To my mom-to-be friends: If you want the deets, just email me. I wish someone would have warned / prepared me for what it entails!  
• Going home. Leaving the hospital was an event. I was excited to get home to my comfy bed but was a little scared that doctors wouldn't be right outside my door if we needed something. I was also terrified to put him in the car seat and take him on the 45 minute drive home from the hospital. I was worried he would cry or need something that I didn't have ready. To my surprise, he slept the entire way and stayed in his baby coma for over an hour after we got home. I kept him in the car seat because I didn't want to wake him. To my mom-to-be friends: Take the stuff from your hospital room (water bottle, baby shirts and everything in the bathroom) ...you paid for it! Or, you will. Hospital bills (one for you and a separate one for baby) are no joke. 
• Helpers. I was lucky on the support front. I had my husband, my sister (Megan) and/or my mom here to help me most of the first 2 weeks. To those moms who did/do or plan to do it alone those first few weeks...you go girl! Personally, I would not have made it through. My husband is totally doing his 50%! It's always bothered me when people say their husband is "babysitting" the kids. I think that's so strange. Isn't he just parenting? 
• Baby Tears. Babies cry. We all know this. They have a hungry cry, a tired cry and a cry that tells you they are scared or in pain. The pain cry will break your heart into pieces, worry you and bring you to tears. We experienced this with his circumcision and the tongue tie surgery. Me, baby and hubby all needed the following day to recover from the trauma. 
• Feeding baby. You all know my struggles with feeding Macoy in the early weeks. My type A personality had me tracking (in a spiral notebook) every time he ate for the first 4 weeks. Date, time, time on each boob or # of oz in the bottle and time between each feeding. I did it to feel somewhat in control at a time that I felt very out of control. I also thought it would help me to see any patterns. Well, folks...newborns have no patterns so don't waste the paper. Quick Story: I was driving (alone) with Macoy back from his 1 month dr. apt and he started screaming bloody murder. I knew it was his hungry cry but I was on the freeway so it took me about 5 minutes to find an exit and a safe place to park. By the time I got to him, he was bright red, soaking wet from tears and sweat and had this look on his face that ruined me. I quickly unbuckled him from the car seat, fed him in a school parking lot and changed him on my lap in the backseat because it was cold outside. In that moment, I remember thinking to myself, "Welcome to mommy-hood, hun!"
• Feeding mom. I barely found time to cook a TV dinner and when I do manage to make something, I only eat half before the baby starts crying. With that said, I didn't eat well enough or drink enough water to stay healthy this first month and I got VERY sick. To my mom-to-be friends: I wont go into details here but I will say that it's super important that you take care of yourself. Please make it a priority. 
• Sleep for baby. Macoy sleeps a lot when you add up all his naps but his naps are like 1 to 2 hours and then he's up for 1 to 2 hours. He just started sleeping through the night at 1 month old. To my mom-to-be friends: Keep in mind "sleeping through the night" for a baby is considered to be a 5-6 hour stretch not 8-10. And, every baby is different. Some babies don't sleep through the night until 3 or even 6 mns old. 
• Sleep for mom. What's sleep? I'm not sure I know anymore. ;) It's really just naps now. I will plop down anywhere for a nap, knowing full well it may only be 10 minutes. It doesn't matter if the lights are on and that I have no pillow or blanket. In the first week or so, I literally woke up every hour to ensure he wasn't suffocating under his blanket. To my mom-to-be friends: Plan for 4 hours per day which includes all naps during the day and any sleep you may rack up at night. Anything more than that is just gravy. 
• Baths for baby. Macoy LOVES baths. And, I love to give him baths at night so that he is super relaxed and sleeps well at night. And, there's really nothing better that a fresh scented baby! 
• Showers for mom. When I was pregnant, everyone told me that I would never get to shower. That horrified me. For those who know me, I really like to be clean and have been known to take 2 showers a day. I'm happy to report that I have taken a shower (just one) everyday for the past 5 weeks. To my mom-to-be friends: You will think you hear him crying every time you get into the shower. Even if he's with your hubby or a loved one, you will feel like you are needed and it will rush you along a bit. Oh and in the first few weeks, you will likely just wind your wet hair up into a bun the moment you get out of the shower. And it will stay like that...until your next shower. It's a very sexy time for women. ;) 

If you are like me, you will start to embrace the stressful moments, breathe through them and find a way to stay calm because you know the baby knows when you are stressed. You will slowly begin to learn the meaning behind the different crying that your baby does and you will learn a core bag of soothing tricks like rocking him near running water, running the vacuum, speeding around the house in the stroller, simply turning the ceiling fan on, bouncing on the exercise ball or singing a song that you made up just for him.

One thing is for sure...it's wonderful to be a mommy. I am totally in love in a way that I never knew was possible. It's not easy but it is worth it.

Macoy has Tongue Tie??!!!

Time for truth. I have been in excruciating pain and under an extreme amount of stress for two weeks and two days (since Macoy was born) due to breastfeeding. I have considered giving up and switching to bottles every day.

I met with two lactation consultants in the hospital and told every single doctor/nurse (about 12) that checked me and Macoy over the last 2 weeks that something was "off" and that the pain was nearly unbearable. Everyone kept telling me to stick with it but I just knew something was wrong. I have felt so alone. Like I'm screaming in a crowded room and nobody can hear me.

It's really important to me to do right for this baby so I dealt with it - gritting my teeth, clenching my fists and fighting back tears (sometimes just crying) through EVERY single 15-30 minute feeding (8 - 10 times per day). I love my son very much and felt so much heartache because I knew that he could sense my frustration, stress and pain and that it was no doubt having an impact on our mother/son relationship.

Although I have been completely emotionally and physically exhausted (and barely hanging on by a thread), I did 15 or so hours of research over the last week and attended a La Leche League meeting yesterday to try to get some answers. The meeting itself was a useless disaster (that's a blog post all on it's own) but it made me take the final step…calling in a specialist for a home visit.

A lactation consultant came to my house today. She is the third one I have met with but the first at my home. She watched him latch and after less that 2 minutes, she told me to unlatch him. As she put on a glove, she said that although I was doing everything right, he just wasn't latching deeply enough. Without delay, she swiftly swept her finger in Macoy's mouth. She looked at me (3 minutes into our time together) and said…"Well momma...He's tongue tied."  I started crying right away.

The emotion came from two places. One from relief that I finally had my answer and that there was something "broken" that could be "fixed". The other came from my extreme disappointment that I had to endure two weeks of hellish pain for something that could have been fixed on day one of Macoy's life. I can't even tell you how disappointed I am with the doctors, nurses, hospital lactation consultants and all four pediatricians who have examined Macoy multiple times in the last two weeks. My son was NEVER checked for tongue tie despite all my recurring claims of breastfeeding pain. Not one person even brought it up as a possibility. I read about it in my research (causes trouble with feeding and speech impediments later in life) but I passed it by on my hunt for answers because I figured that there was NO way all these "professionals" would have missed this. Well… they did. From my perspective, it's absolutely unacceptable and unforgivable.

I want to post this so all you pregnant gals out there can demand that your baby be checked for this. Do not leave the hospital without this exam. In addition, always trust your instincts and never give up looking for the answers. You will KNOW when something is wrong and even if EVERYONE around you tells you to just stick it out and/or that everything is ok…you WILL know better and it's our job as moms to be our own advocate and seek help for ourselves and/or for our children.

Macoy is now scheduled for a frenulotomy consultation today (to confirm everything and learn what to expect) and for the actual operation early next week which should correct the issues. Although Macoy will experience some pain from the surgery, the first feeding sessions immediately after frenulotomy's are known to be successful and comfortable for both mom and baby. 

...Huge THANK YOU to Rene Moore (www.firstfoodforbaby.com) for doing what you do. This will no doubt change everything for me and my little family. 

A letter to my son on his due date

Macoy,  

Today is the day I have had my eyes set on on all year! I have had it marked on the calendar since early this year, seen it when I closed my eyes each night and worked toward it in preparation for your arrival. Your due date (10/24/13) has arrived! 

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know that you don’t need to be afraid to make your way into this world. Me and your doting daddy are very ready for you and you will surely be the most loved and adored little boy that there ever was. 

I woke up this morning around 6 to your daddy rustling around while getting ready for work. He always makes so much noise in the mornings and rushes around like he's late, even though he's not... at all! I have had the whole week off work so although this earlier than necessary wake up call usually bugs me a bit, I've been enjoying it this week and just getting a kick out of his high-speed morning ritual. In the midst of it all, I was able to stop the whirling dervish for a moment and I told your daddy that he needed to come over and tell his son (that's you) that we are expecting you today and that you better be on time! So, like the amazing man that he is, he stopped what he was doing and he came over to the bed. He got real close to my belly so you could hear him very clearly and he said "you take your time little one and we will be ready for you whenever you are." In this case (just this one), I think your daddy is right, you should just come see us when you are ready. 

Intellectually, I know that only 4% (something like that) of babies are born on their due date but emotionally, I am so beyond excited and ready to have you here with me that I can't help but keep my hopes up for today. Just let it be known that once you are here we are going to work a little bit on punctuality. It is the cheapest of the virtues and will take you farther than most think. ;) 

I'm just eager to hold you, cuddle you, comfort you and love you to pieces. I have so many things planned for us and I can't wait to tell you all about them. When I close my eyes, I can picture all of the simple, wonderful moments ahead. Just the thought of you laying on your daddy's chest while he watches football this season brings a tear to my eye because I know that's exactly what he's been dreaming of for a few years...a son. A baby boy who looks and acts just like him! Oh and I think part of the intrigue is that it increases the man count around here and will help him to outnumber me on any future decision. He's already dictating what we have for dinner based on the "fact" that he knows "his son" likes the same things as him so it just makes sense to have the steak instead of the chicken tonight. ;) I have a feeling the road ahead is filled with more hours of sports on the tv, less girly movies in the theatre and more guy centric vacations that include much more golf and far less visits to the spa. 

You're "almost" here and that's good enough for me because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I strongly believe everything happens for a reason...even if you are a Halloween baby! I just  hope that when you get here...you like the nick-name “Mac”, my singing voice and my friends little girls (being born very soon) since we have already planned your engagement to a few of them. I hope you will be just like your daddy is today and nothing like either of us were as teenagers. I hope that, with our help, you will avoid some of the mistakes we both made along the way. I hope that you will have a sense of humor, strength and confidence that will remind you everyday that you have what it takes. Because, you, my son, will. Though you will surely face your fair share of obstacles and challenges, there is absolutely nothing that you can not accomplish. 

Even if you don't arrive today, it will always be a special day to me. A date that will surely be second to your birthday but never forgotten. Because today, we made it all the way! See you soon little monkey. 

With all my love,

Mommy 

And...he has a name! Macoy Archer Campbell

First off... I know I haven't posted since before Brian and I got married. But, with a baby on the way - I figured it's a great time to pick it back up and start documenting some things in a little more detail. In all honesty, Instagram and Facebook holds all the great photos but this blog might give me a chance to do more storytelling with words so I can look back and remember the details. Everyone (including the ladies in my yoga class) have asked about the details of how we came up with the name for our sweet baby boy who is expected to make his arrival in late October. Let me first say that I am so excited about his name! We decided on it when I was about 23 weeks pregnant but kept it completely secret until I was about 8 months pregnant so that we could announce it by playing a baby name guessing game at my baby showers (one in Utah, one in AZ). Announcing it, after giving about 13 clues to the baby showers guests, was SO much fun and I'm so glad we made a big deal out of it versus just doing a quick Facebook post or something like that. Early on in the pregnancy, Brian said something like "this is a little odd, but I can just see me calling him by a nickname like "mac". I remember thinking that was way random and we spent the next few weeks/months working through about 25 other great names. For the most part, we agreed on names but we just didn't fall in love with any of the ones we were considering (Huxley, Easton) and the ones we liked best were really popular (Hudson, Ryder, Mason) and we didn't want our son to have 3 friends with the same name in school so we squashed those asap. The remainder were just a little too flavorful (Bear, Trigg)! So, we moved on. I pulled out the baby name books one night while cooking dinner together and I reminded Brian that he had said he liked Mac. I told him that I just wanted something a bit unique and that didn't seem to do the trick. But, I told him that I LOVED that "Mac" means "Son" and we could go with an "M" first name and an "A" middle name so that with our "C" last name, his initials would spell MAC and he could call him that! He agreed and we dug into the "M" names! We went from Max to Maxwell to Macks to Mack and then it hit us during a verbal ping pong brainstorm session… Macoy! Starts with "Mac" for Brian and has the uniqueness for me! So, we looked it up but it wasn't in the baby name book. McCoy (the last name) and a few other spelling like Makoi were there though. I told Brian we could put something up in his nautical nursery that says "Ahoy Macoy" and we were both sold. Done deal. Macoy Archer Campbell. Love it! So so so excited to meet this little man.